Not that anybody will read this because I have such little traffic on my blog, I am back after 23 days odd to
vomit document my latest pondering.
I will be hitting the quarter century mark after 3 days, 26th August. Being a 25 year old to the 10 year old Deb is a milestone. The 15 year old me, looked forward to being 25 because I was naive and assumed I would be a career driven woman, financially independent, living in a great apartment in a city with a lively night life and probably in a committed relationship. Needless to say, I had great expectations, revered into the endless possibilities .
Fast forwarding 10 years – don’t have a single dollar to my name, living with my parents, single and unemployed. Completely opposite of what I had visioned years back. I am definitely not hitting the quarter century in M.S Dhoni style. However I count my blessings every morning.
I graduated in September 2016, when I had recently turned 24. Basically my entire 24th year on this planet has gone without earning a single penny. Before I could smack myself with the options of the possibilities for a new graduate, life beat me to it smacking me right across my face. I moved out from two different countries and settled in a country I recognise myself from but never lived (rarely visited either).
The disadvantage of living in a new country after you leave university is that you don’t know whether you are
unhappy failing struggling because you are in a new country or you just suck at #adulting.
The first 23 odd years of life you are in a safe haven following the norm of the society. It is all structured and planned – Primary school, Secondary school, High school and finally university. You don’t need to need decide what are your next steps, it’s all been planned out and all you have to do is show up and work hard. The words ‘Shaping your life’ does not hold any value.
I thought I had life figured out when I was 22. Graduated from uni with a masters and I acquired an internship position from Airbus. What could go wrong? In reality EVERYTHING that could go wrong did. I was punished for my ego, it prevented me from being humble and seeing the alternatives. I consider this to be my life’s biggest mistake. My
egoistic naive inexperience prevented me from having a back up plan.
Not all was tragic during my 24th year. I assisted my parents move to India and into their new home. For those who are not aware, in India you buy a plot or two in an apartment building. When you buy this property there are no doors, walls aren’t painted, the bathroom/toilet is just like any other room with no commodities fixed. Same goes for the kitchen. Of course you have the option of buying those properties which ‘refurnished’ just like the ones in the UK, UAE or the in the States. But my parents being, well my parents, went for the more complicated option because it gave them the complete freedom of designing their retirement house from scratch. With the freedom came stress and expenses.
My assistance hasn’t been through finance but instead it’s been by moving boxes that weigh over 50Kgs and a phycological support. My mother told me a couple of times that is it wasn’t for my help they still wouldn’t have moved into house yet. That provides me with tad satisfaction and comfort, I always wanted to help them in some way to show my gratitude towards their love and sacrifice showered upon me.
forced gave me the opportunity to live in within a new culture, people and exposed to the diversity of India which I only read in books. My travel around South India, concreted this. I was awed, it felt like I was in a different country. Despite visiting Indian cities, the locals communicated in an entire language that was inscrutable and had an entire different cuisine to feast on. Even though I don’t agree with numerous Indian society rules, I was proud and happy. In a country with 22 languages and 5 different religions, Indians lived together in harmony reflecting tolerance and acceptance.
As far as I can remember I have always juggled my school work with some other curricular activities like hockey, basketball, swimming, piano, guitar, band, MUN and prefect/Deputy Head Girl duties. I never looked after myself in the process, specifically during my university years. After 23 years, I am finally able to concentrate on myself (well of course job apps are always lurking above my head but there aren’t vacancies to apply for every single day). I have been working out, eating well, drinking plenty of the go’ol H2O, reading books, starting a blog and watching documentaries. In the midst of this I have had the opportunity to truly think how what I want to do in life and how can I shape it the way I want to. I have looked in PhD, other courses, starting a business, etc. I realised there are so many other things I can do and the one thing I have been focusing on.
I have friends who are already on their path towards their goal. My social media used to be filled with their happy faces with their spouses or pets. Venturing into the South East Asia for soul searching and swearing they haven’t returned home the same. Mates posting pictures with their new acquaintances during their camping sessions in Scotland. All hashtag-ed with SiberianLife or JobPerks or ChillingAfterALongWeek. Heck I even have a pal who is in his second job, while I am struggling to get my first one. It envies me, after all I am only a human. When I see someone else living the life that I can only dream of it’s bound to make me tad upset even though they deserve it and it’s the fruit of their hard work.
In all honesty, I still haven’t figured it out. If an opportunity sounds good it’s usually instantly knocked out due financial funding or my citizenship. I am still lost, the moment I get my head out of the water gasping for air, the boulder tied to my ankles pulls me down almost instantly leaving me fighting and longing to be back at the surface again. Surviving. Filling my lungs with air.
even with my latest cribbing and loosing my will to live, I look back my 24 years, and it’s been well decent. I have a few close knitted friends, have had some really great experiences, travelled quite a bit, have fallen a million times, witnessed the power of faith, lived in three different countries and laughed till my stomach hurt. Overall it’s been a true rollercoaster ride. With it’s ups and downs and sudden turns. Some of the downs have been a big hard falls. I am truly blessed. I hope when I come out this current turbulence, I am proud and satisfied with myself.
So here is me wishing myself, Happy Birthday because I am a dork that way and raising my imaginary glass to 25 years filled with life lessons. May this year be full of full of surprises and not a boring one. Oh please not a boring one.