Voices in your head

When you fail to hear your breathing. You close your ears in an attempt of blocking all sounds but it is futile. For the voices are in your head does not give you the right to do so.

In a silent crowd you want to scream on top of your lungs, for a moment of serenity. While everyone going about their business, unaware of the voices in your head.

As the world gets quieter with the hour of night, the voices in your head gets louder.

Having a conversation and looking past your old friend because the voices in your head is screaming and throwing a tantrum demanding your attention.

You turn up the volume on your iPod shuffle, to deafen the voices in your head only to aggravate it.

Voices of echoing past you wish to bury and assumptions are pointless. It does you no good. It gets you to feel unpleasant feelings like anger, restlessness, frustration, depression, low self-esteem and anxiety.

The voices in your head has the power of destruction. Resembling a tsunami. Where an enormous wave washes over life and leaves tragedy behind.

It makes you want to break things, harm yourself and go crouch in one corner howling like a wounded wolf.

The voices in your head gets you to believe there is no hope for the future.

The real victor over life, is the one who has shut the voices in the head. Smiling in a crowd because they get to enjoy the voices around while there is pure silence within them.

 

My late night pondering – Happiness

As I lay tossing and turning, trying to catch a good night’s slumber. ‘Everyone’s definition of happiness is different, stick with yours’ gets me  to reverie, breaking my lips into a smile whilst my eyes still shut closed. Tricking my brain into sleeping. However my trials being futile, I get up with a jerk, grab my laptop. I got to pour out my thoughts if I want to sleep tonight, I thought to myself during the process.

So here I am at 1 am, typing away on my Mac.

What is my definition of happiness? It’s feeling of being secured, for the foreseeable future. When you are satisfied with the people and your financial situation. When you have no other expectations from life. It is then you have the courage to fill the room with your laughter, dance and music. Knowing that you are sorted and nothing to worry about. You can enjoy this very moment! Happiness is not a goal it’s a by-product.

Try thinking of a happy thought. Go on! 99.8% chance you will catch your self grinning like a folly. Happiness is wonderfully powerful. It’s weapon to create and destroy. It gives you a taste of what it’s like, then leaving you craving for more.

The moments of joys and laughter are cherished forever. They are most valued when life is battering you down. As a human being you need to hold onto something in order to survive. To wait patiently till you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, you cling on to those moments because they give your life meaning. It thirsts you for the future, not wanting to surrender.

If only you can freeze time, to stay in those feelings forever. Alas that, dear is impossible.

Recently I have been cautions with my happiness. I don’t know whether it’s a right thing to do or not. Gratefulness I have in abundance, unfortunately that does not imply to my happiness.

When the feeling of joy overcomes my soul, I feel it with a slight sense of guilt and fear. This can be taken away from me in any moment – I remind myself. Just like how it was in the past. So it’s best if I don’t experience this moment. Doing this I shirk the tears and agony I will face in the future. Because I wouldn’t know the difference between sad and happy right? At least I try to convince myself of this thought.

There are times when I ridicule that thought and remorsefully have a hearty laugh. But the fear of pain and disappointment wavers over me almost instantly.

We humans learn to value when it seizes to exist. Sadness taught me to appreciate happiness, It also frightened me loosing something valuable. My joyous moments are teaching me to be humble. I am starting to see happiness as a currency. I am reluctant to spend it all in one go. You earn your happiness, save and spend it wisely.

Call me naive but I wonder if it’s better to never be happy so you will never know what you have lost, so life will be perpetual or better to be happy so you have something to cherish when you are going through the rough phase of your life.

Ps: Considering the fact, I am posting this blog in July. Bang in the middle of the summer. I would like to blame the hour of the night for the picture of Pooh and Piglet in winter attire as my featured image.

Dedicating this post to all those late night thinkers, pondering over life tossing and turning. 

 

Learning life from stumbling and falling

I have been around the sun 24 times that is significantly less than 60, so this post might be tad rich coming from a person of my age. There are people out there who have been through much more and lived through to tell the tale. However I have had my fair shares of hurdles and not jumping every one of them with ease.

Here are some of the things I learnt during my many crash landings while I was operating the aircraft so called Life.

Allowing myself to feel: Often we are taught to suppress our emotions and get ourselves together. That dagger through the heart feeling is what makes us believe we are alive. If you are in agony, acknowledge it and express it. Don’t hold back those tears and confide with someone you trust. There is a social stigma relating pain to weakness, rather suppressing emotions should be a shame. It’s very unhealthy and the feeling will come back to haunt you, only this time, 10 times worse.

numb

Saying NO and learning to walk away: Identify the negative vibes in your life and then discard it. This can come in many forms such as people, relationships, places, social media and some of the activities you do on a daily basis. Nothing is worth that much if it weighs you down and affects your productivity preventing you to achieve your goal.

I elaborated about it on my previous post, Toxic People

Expand your knowledge: NEVER STOP LEARNING. The second I did this, I lost my will live. The feeling of negligence towards life drove me to pick up a book of genre out of my comfort zone and watching documentaries. Having the will to learn gives you the drive to move ahead.

Acceptance and forgiveness: Our dear pal, Life’s hobby is to throw obstacles towards us therefore our hang outs hardly ever goes according to plan. If something on the agenda wasn’t carried out and you gave it your best, forgiving yourself and accepting of the existence of a force greater than us. Hands down, one of the hardest challenge I have come across in this game. I have the uttermost respect for those who do it without any hesitation.

This also includes forgiving others who has done you wrong because…..

forgive

 

Smells like teen spirit

Ah man holding on is so hard. But the pain you feel is worse than the one you give up. When you look back in 5 years time, don’t let yourself be dismayed with all the what ifs and shattered dreams. Don’t loose the spark of innocence in you.

 

My year as an unemployed graduate

For a fresh graduate who does not have a job lined up, the only stable thing in their life is home. I lost that too the day I wrote my last ever exam paper in my life. My life was all of a sudden unstable and filled with uncertainty.

I have had nights where I hoped, of not waking up the next day and mornings where I didn’t want to leave my bed. Some days I will howl like a wounded wolf alone whilst others I will try figuring out where I am going wrong.

The feeling of suffocation is strong even when I am out on the balcony in a cool breezy evening. I don’t know if I am a victim of depression but I am afraid to find out otherwise.

Loosing my self esteem and feeling worthless has been on a rise with a constant positive gradient ever since. The hardest part has been holding onto to my dreams and aspirations. Some days the determination is strong, other days I feel it slipping away.

No matter how much I travel and do new things to ‘spice’ up life, the little voice in the back of head keeps nagging me about making myself useful again. Thousand of miles away from home, I went to university. Worked hard for 5 years, gathered the necessary work experience, all this for what? to be unemployed?

I have revised my Cover Letter and CV numerous times. I can recite my latest version blindfolded. No idea if it is pathetic or something to take pride in. I have a folder with over 90 rejections saved on my computer but still I don’t give up. Did not realise I was this stubborn! Clearly I intend to do what I have always wanted to.

There are many voices in my head – hope, anger, frustration, unhappiness and frightened. It all gets rather overwhelming and I hate it. The image of being like this for the rest of my life sends a shiver down my spine. It is a scary thought, a thought I never imagined I would have. No one warns you about the unpleasant life surprises, we are only fed with beautiful and unicorn farting rainbow expectations.

‘It’ll be fine’, ‘everything happens for a reason’, ‘work is overrated anyways’, ‘don’t give up, be strong’ and ‘hang in there, something will pop up’, words that comforted me once have become poison to my ears. Not that I am grateful for the concern and care but I have been listening to this year now and the feeling of being dependant on your parents again makes you bitter.

Your friends know your answer to ‘How’s life?’ eventually they stop asking OR they will text you see if you’ve found anything yet, you realise the energy required to answer to their message isn’t worth it. So you start ignoring them. You are of tired feeling left behind in the ‘life race’ so you disconnect yourself from social media to avoid rubbing salt on the wound.

I wish I could end this post with ‘But I did not give up and was persistent to achieve my dream and look at me now, I am happy and enjoying life. Don’t give up on your dreams!’ but alas that is not possible, at least for now………

Toxic People

‘The people in your life should be a source of reducing stress, not causing more of it’ Recently, my life mantra

Since childhood, I have been taught to be kind, humble, respect my elders and never to hurt anyone. The lessons of saying ‘No’ or refusing something was hardly ever mentioned in the household. Now, I am not saying this is wrong, if a child is not taught the value of help, love and respect the world would have been an awful place to live in. But how many will raise their hands if I asked ‘Who here has learned to say no and walking away because of an incident or two that occurred in their life?’ I bet 99% of people in the room will.

People can be cruel, uncaring, selfish and jealous. They project a negative vibe which you feel during the first meet but you think about giving them a second chance. Your gut tells you something is wrong and this person can cause you harm but you shrug the feeling off , thinking it’s silly. People will use you in many ways, one of the most innocent ways of doing so is comparing themselves to you to make them feel better. Ever had a ‘friend’ who just contacted to see how you are doing and once you reply to their message they disappear not bothering to continue the conversation? They will seem very keen to know if you have a corporate job or in a relationship or bought that house you always wanted. Of course they will disappear after your reply, they got what they wanted. They know how you are doing and they are done comparing themselves to you with a smug look on their faces. Satisfied cause their life is better than yours at that very moment.

I have to admit I have wasted my energy behind people who did not deserve it at all. I would make the effort to keep in contact, plan hang outs and be there for them when they were down. While I got nothing in return from them. It took me 20 years to realise they are just not worth it and I if I choose to walk away, I can!

There is the catch though, it’s easier said than done. Learning how to walk away from an abusive relationship and not valued friendships you need to be in that situation more than once. Yes more than once!!! You do it when it has finally driven you mental or when you look in the mirror and have no self esteem left. You have allowed people to walk over you so many times that you have lost count. The situation has gone out of your hands and you just can’t take it anymore. It’s then you have the courage to say NO and strong enough to stand up for yourself. If someone reading this can relate, then I am so proud of you. It takes strength, character, experiences and maturity to respect yourself.

‘My biggest regret in life are being nice to people, apologising when I didn’t do anything wrong and making unworthy people a priority in my life’

I have always thought toxic people are the ones who have bad intentions BUT not all toxic people are uncaring, selfish or rude. Some of them are very nice, humble and have good intentions. So how can they be toxic? having experiencing this very recently I can elaborate. Most people can be toxic by just having you making compromises on your happiness. They bring you down by preventing you from reaching your goal or by just casually discouraging what you are aiming for. They are not bad people, they just aren’t right for you. Life is hard as it is, you deserve to be around people who support you and don’t expect you to make a compromise on your mental peace. As hard as it is, you got to let them go! No one is worth that much that you destroy yourself, your wellbeing should be your priority. Letting go is one of the hardest lessons life teaches but it’s the one that makes you feel lighter and sets you free.

“Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self-respect, values, morals or self worth” – Gautam Buddha 

Understand, learn, inhale and exhale this. Never forget you are worth more than what people define you to be. Stop pleasing people and wasting you valuable time and energy for those who don’t care about you. Invest it on those who stood by you when you had nothing, depressed and were there when you were weeping you eyes out. Those are the people you should appreciate and never let go. They have seen the dark side of you and yet they stuck around. This is probably the most valuable lesson I have learnt from life. The more I respect myself, the more I love the sound of me walking away.

It took me 24 years to understand the meaning of this. Picture courtesy of quotesndnotes.
It took me 24 years to truly understand the meaning of this. My circle of friends is very small but I prefer it that way. Picture courtesy of quoyesndnotes.