For a fresh graduate who does not have a job lined up, the only stable thing in their life is home. I lost that too the day I wrote my last ever exam paper in my life. My life was all of a sudden unstable and filled with uncertainty.
I have had nights where I hoped, of not waking up the next day and mornings where I didn’t want to leave my bed. Some days I will howl like a wounded wolf alone whilst others I will try figuring out where I am going wrong.
The feeling of suffocation is strong even when I am out on the balcony in a cool breezy evening. I don’t know if I am a victim of depression but I am afraid to find out otherwise.
Loosing my self esteem and feeling worthless has been on a rise with a constant positive gradient ever since. The hardest part has been holding onto to my dreams and aspirations. Some days the determination is strong, other days I feel it slipping away.
No matter how much I travel and do new things to ‘spice’ up life, the little voice in the back of head keeps nagging me about making myself useful again. Thousand of miles away from home, I went to university. Worked hard for 5 years, gathered the necessary work experience, all this for what? to be unemployed?
I have revised my Cover Letter and CV numerous times. I can recite my latest version blindfolded. No idea if it is pathetic or something to take pride in. I have a folder with over 90 rejections saved on my computer but still I don’t give up. Did not realise I was this stubborn! Clearly I intend to do what I have always wanted to.
There are many voices in my head – hope, anger, frustration, unhappiness and frightened. It all gets rather overwhelming and I hate it. The image of being like this for the rest of my life sends a shiver down my spine. It is a scary thought, a thought I never imagined I would have. No one warns you about the unpleasant life surprises, we are only fed with beautiful and unicorn farting rainbow expectations.
‘It’ll be fine’, ‘everything happens for a reason’, ‘work is overrated anyways’, ‘don’t give up, be strong’ and ‘hang in there, something will pop up’, words that comforted me once have become poison to my ears. Not that I am grateful for the concern and care but I have been listening to this year now and the feeling of being dependant on your parents again makes you bitter.
Your friends know your answer to ‘How’s life?’ eventually they stop asking OR they will text you see if you’ve found anything yet, you realise the energy required to answer to their message isn’t worth it. So you start ignoring them. You are of tired feeling left behind in the ‘life race’ so you disconnect yourself from social media to avoid rubbing salt on the wound.
I wish I could end this post with ‘But I did not give up and was persistent to achieve my dream and look at me now, I am happy and enjoying life. Don’t give up on your dreams!’ but alas that is not possible, at least for now………