My late night pondering – Happiness

As I lay tossing and turning, trying to catch a good night’s slumber. ‘Everyone’s definition of happiness is different, stick with yours’ gets me  to reverie, breaking my lips into a smile whilst my eyes still shut closed. Tricking my brain into sleeping. However my trials being futile, I get up with a jerk, grab my laptop. I got to pour out my thoughts if I want to sleep tonight, I thought to myself during the process.

So here I am at 1 am, typing away on my Mac.

What is my definition of happiness? It’s feeling of being secured, for the foreseeable future. When you are satisfied with the people and your financial situation. When you have no other expectations from life. It is then you have the courage to fill the room with your laughter, dance and music. Knowing that you are sorted and nothing to worry about. You can enjoy this very moment! Happiness is not a goal it’s a by-product.

Try thinking of a happy thought. Go on! 99.8% chance you will catch your self grinning like a folly. Happiness is wonderfully powerful. It’s weapon to create and destroy. It gives you a taste of what it’s like, then leaving you craving for more.

The moments of joys and laughter are cherished forever. They are most valued when life is battering you down. As a human being you need to hold onto something in order to survive. To wait patiently till you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, you cling on to those moments because they give your life meaning. It thirsts you for the future, not wanting to surrender.

If only you can freeze time, to stay in those feelings forever. Alas that, dear is impossible.

Recently I have been cautions with my happiness. I don’t know whether it’s a right thing to do or not. Gratefulness I have in abundance, unfortunately that does not imply to my happiness.

When the feeling of joy overcomes my soul, I feel it with a slight sense of guilt and fear. This can be taken away from me in any moment – I remind myself. Just like how it was in the past. So it’s best if I don’t experience this moment. Doing this I shirk the tears and agony I will face in the future. Because I wouldn’t know the difference between sad and happy right? At least I try to convince myself of this thought.

There are times when I ridicule that thought and remorsefully have a hearty laugh. But the fear of pain and disappointment wavers over me almost instantly.

We humans learn to value when it seizes to exist. Sadness taught me to appreciate happiness, It also frightened me loosing something valuable. My joyous moments are teaching me to be humble. I am starting to see happiness as a currency. I am reluctant to spend it all in one go. You earn your happiness, save and spend it wisely.

Call me naive but I wonder if it’s better to never be happy so you will never know what you have lost, so life will be perpetual or better to be happy so you have something to cherish when you are going through the rough phase of your life.

Ps: Considering the fact, I am posting this blog in July. Bang in the middle of the summer. I would like to blame the hour of the night for the picture of Pooh and Piglet in winter attire as my featured image.

Dedicating this post to all those late night thinkers, pondering over life tossing and turning. 

 

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A Tuesday’s thought on a Thursday


“If you hold back on emotions. If you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them. You can never get to detach, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing. yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your heard even, you experience them fully and completely” – Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie


 

Learning life from stumbling and falling

I have been around the sun 24 times that is significantly less than 60, so this post might be tad rich coming from a person of my age. There are people out there who have been through much more and lived through to tell the tale. However I have had my fair shares of hurdles and not jumping every one of them with ease.

Here are some of the things I learnt during my many crash landings while I was operating the aircraft so called Life.

Allowing myself to feel: Often we are taught to suppress our emotions and get ourselves together. That dagger through the heart feeling is what makes us believe we are alive. If you are in agony, acknowledge it and express it. Don’t hold back those tears and confide with someone you trust. There is a social stigma relating pain to weakness, rather suppressing emotions should be a shame. It’s very unhealthy and the feeling will come back to haunt you, only this time, 10 times worse.

numb

Saying NO and learning to walk away: Identify the negative vibes in your life and then discard it. This can come in many forms such as people, relationships, places, social media and some of the activities you do on a daily basis. Nothing is worth that much if it weighs you down and affects your productivity preventing you to achieve your goal.

I elaborated about it on my previous post, Toxic People

Expand your knowledge: NEVER STOP LEARNING. The second I did this, I lost my will live. The feeling of negligence towards life drove me to pick up a book of genre out of my comfort zone and watching documentaries. Having the will to learn gives you the drive to move ahead.

Acceptance and forgiveness: Our dear pal, Life’s hobby is to throw obstacles towards us therefore our hang outs hardly ever goes according to plan. If something on the agenda wasn’t carried out and you gave it your best, forgiving yourself and accepting of the existence of a force greater than us. Hands down, one of the hardest challenge I have come across in this game. I have the uttermost respect for those who do it without any hesitation.

This also includes forgiving others who has done you wrong because…..

forgive

 

Smells like teen spirit

Ah man holding on is so hard. But the pain you feel is worse than the one you give up. When you look back in 5 years time, don’t let yourself be dismayed with all the what ifs and shattered dreams. Don’t loose the spark of innocence in you.

 

First time loner at a Restaurant

Words such, Starbucks, Cafe Nero or Costa – form an image in our mind of individuals alone with their books or laptops, sipping their beverage at a regular interval. A story of a restaurant is other wise.

Both my parents were out of town and I had the cravings for chicken steamed momo and stir fry.

So I walked into the restaurant quite confident. I was only going there to eat right? and I have enough money for the bill too so what can go wrong? No other thoughts ran through the mind of the 17 year old me.

‘Table for how many ma’am?’ asked the manager.

‘For one please’ I replied confidently.

His facial expression shifted from a smiley welcoming one to a mixed confusion and doubt, this was enough to break my confidence and doubt my decision instantly. Am I doing something wrong? why does it seem like he is he judging me?. However without breaking his professional etiquette he lead me to a table ‘for two’.

Midst the bustling of the vibrant restaurant I was quite happy with my spot which was aloof from the groups of friends and family. I took a quick glance of my surrounding before taking a seat that faced the rest of the eatery. Being handed my menu by a friendly waitress who nodded her head with a smile, walked away to a table of four to take their order.

The restaurant’s decor was simple yet elegant with Chinese paper lantern hanging from the ceiling, plant creepers hugging the wall and muzak music.

Once left alone, I realised how uncomfortable I was. I wanted to take my bag and walk out of the restaurant however as one of the double doors of the kitchen opened, the sizzling sound of the food cooking and it’s waft convinced me to stay.

The ambience of the place was satisfying in the sense the lightening wasn’t too bright. ‘Perfect’ I thought to myself. No one would be able to see my face. I caught myself silently praying not to bump into someone familiar.

I had the feeling of everyone’s eyes on me and whispering amongst themselves of the possible reasons why a 17 year old girl would be by herself?

‘bet they are thinking I have been stood up’ I whispered to myself and let out a tiny smile while studying the menu, hunting for the items I have been craving for the past two days.

The whole experience from when I came in to now was just weirdly different. I had no one to discuss with about the food and pretend to care about why they would or wouldn’t order certain dishes. It was all me! Like whatever I wanted I could have without justifying it. Forgetting my uncomfortableness momentarily, I grinned wide with the realisation of treating myself to a lovely dinner.

So with a shaky voice I gave my order to the waitress and sipped on my water, preparing myself to look up.

When I look back now, I realise how out of place I felt. It’s the society norm to go to a restaurant at least with one other person. Whether that is your best friend or a family member BUT here I was all by self at a table right by the window assuming the entire restaurant had nothing else to do but to talk about my circumstance.

When I finally looked up and observed the people around me, *drumroll* NO ONE CARED!

A mother was busy hushing the cries of her baby, a group of friends were taking selfies, a couple seemed to be in a deep serious conversation, a man struggling with his chopsticks and someone dropped their cutlery taking a quick a glance around embarrassed by the sound it created.

Shaking my head slowly, I realised how silly I had been this evening. Instead of enjoying this first-time-eating out-by myself experience, I was busy feeling out of place and reluctant about the possible thoughts of the restaurantees.

Enjoying every second of observing the passers on the road outside and those around me. It was a serene meal in the middle of the waiters hustle and bustle and the public’s chatter and laughter.

A friend asked me not so long ago ‘Wanna go out for a meal, don’t wanna go alone, it’ll be weird’. My reply with a smile – ‘Mate, if you haven’t done it yet then do it. It’s a simple experience that no one should miss out on’.

My year as an unemployed graduate

For a fresh graduate who does not have a job lined up, the only stable thing in their life is home. I lost that too the day I wrote my last ever exam paper in my life. My life was all of a sudden unstable and filled with uncertainty.

I have had nights where I hoped, of not waking up the next day and mornings where I didn’t want to leave my bed. Some days I will howl like a wounded wolf alone whilst others I will try figuring out where I am going wrong.

The feeling of suffocation is strong even when I am out on the balcony in a cool breezy evening. I don’t know if I am a victim of depression but I am afraid to find out otherwise.

Loosing my self esteem and feeling worthless has been on a rise with a constant positive gradient ever since. The hardest part has been holding onto to my dreams and aspirations. Some days the determination is strong, other days I feel it slipping away.

No matter how much I travel and do new things to ‘spice’ up life, the little voice in the back of head keeps nagging me about making myself useful again. Thousand of miles away from home, I went to university. Worked hard for 5 years, gathered the necessary work experience, all this for what? to be unemployed?

I have revised my Cover Letter and CV numerous times. I can recite my latest version blindfolded. No idea if it is pathetic or something to take pride in. I have a folder with over 90 rejections saved on my computer but still I don’t give up. Did not realise I was this stubborn! Clearly I intend to do what I have always wanted to.

There are many voices in my head – hope, anger, frustration, unhappiness and frightened. It all gets rather overwhelming and I hate it. The image of being like this for the rest of my life sends a shiver down my spine. It is a scary thought, a thought I never imagined I would have. No one warns you about the unpleasant life surprises, we are only fed with beautiful and unicorn farting rainbow expectations.

‘It’ll be fine’, ‘everything happens for a reason’, ‘work is overrated anyways’, ‘don’t give up, be strong’ and ‘hang in there, something will pop up’, words that comforted me once have become poison to my ears. Not that I am grateful for the concern and care but I have been listening to this year now and the feeling of being dependant on your parents again makes you bitter.

Your friends know your answer to ‘How’s life?’ eventually they stop asking OR they will text you see if you’ve found anything yet, you realise the energy required to answer to their message isn’t worth it. So you start ignoring them. You are of tired feeling left behind in the ‘life race’ so you disconnect yourself from social media to avoid rubbing salt on the wound.

I wish I could end this post with ‘But I did not give up and was persistent to achieve my dream and look at me now, I am happy and enjoying life. Don’t give up on your dreams!’ but alas that is not possible, at least for now………